Words of this moment in time

I have troubles in sentences, and will do my post in simple words

Happy
Ambvivalent
Tired
Energetic(in theory)
In love
Orange
Warm feet
Runny nose
Soar throat
Sunny
New place (want)
New job (want)

Happiness you just have to be, it is not something to be found.
-Me- =)

The day is here, coronary hart disease in men or lifestyle and health in youth, might be combined with a small piece of addiction and substance abuse.

Well, the literature is wide and the time isn't quite long enough. Have not been blogging for ages, but I needed a small "hello world" =) So, here I am. Still small and of no special meaning this earth. Still haven't made any big discoveries or breath taking actions towards my fellow man or woman. What ever can I do in this to short time of life..... and I do want to do so many things, and I am the slowest person put upon this world to breath. This is such a bad combination, but a combination it is... one I need to work with!

I have finished all my exams and in time. Half a year ago I did have doubts and small pieces of sorrow for my wasted years... or wasted humans, human waste for what the good man will call me, as I am in the generation X! Lets hope I can put together my assignment through the summer and early fall, my day will finally come and I can do what I think I do best (hehe, might not say much as I didn't do so splendid when I was working with computers/mobiles)

Well, here I am... Still! This summer I will discover, this summer I will redefine. I feel the world coming at me and feel like redefining myself in some way... I will start with some self-irony with my bloggers quote (more then dead men have this comment) :

Don't try to solve serious matters in the middle of the night.

Philip K. Dick (1928 - 1982), What the Dead Men Say, 1954

....and I still try =/

Peace, sunshine and Prince

The sun has come to Norway... together with the big cloud of ash =/ Oh, well... Happy days to me anyway!

I am giving myself the five minutes of peace that I need today, it has been difficult finding them. I have now found Prince on Spotify, feeling in the mood and drinking my cup of coffee... Silencing all the sounds out, answering only to myself and Prince.

Thoughts of what is happening in my life... The usual where am I going, what will be the next move and can I go from here to there with only this dress!? Sometimes I appreciate these thoughts, but most of the time I actually would like them out of my head! It would be the wonder of the lifetime just to live, just to be able not to think and plan and decipher and to analyze and to and to and to and to.... "Paint the perfect picture"

Well keeping some good picture or fantasy of what I would want or like isn´t the same. That´s the dreams and thoughts I think we all need, the pieces of beauty that I can dream about. Some even being within reach! A small picture I think I want to keep... It is just all the irritating thought on what that picture should be, can´t just stick to one you know!

Hmm, this is counting as yet another great blog posting of blabla. What would the world be, for me, without that!

One small serious something... Got a thought yesterday while having dinner with a friend. I wonder if I am the only one, or if there are others "like me". The last years I have felt it easier to deliver out all the personal things that kind of exploits myself. Especially through this blog I have given out more then I maybe should have, undressing myself in front of the virtual audience on the end of a different screen. The thought I had yesterday (to try to keep the thin red line!), was that I never really do. I never really undress anything I am not confident of showing. A pornnn star of feelings, hehe... Well, I am finding myself hilarious right now. This blog, however naked it might seem, it is truly not. Do I make any sense?? The daily hazels and my life ponders are harder to share. I get scared these things will judge me or put me on the spot. It is choices I have made, choices that really colors who I am!

I have reached the end of the red line.... Only thought I now have is how will the search results on this blogpost end up! So, putting in a few spelling strangeness in between!

BOB DYLAN:

I accept chaos. I am not sure whether it accepts me. I know some people are terrified of the bomb. But then some people are terrified to be seen carrying a modern screen magazine. Experience teaches us that silence terrifies people the most.

Wearing a hijab, needed to express this!

Just need to be written, I am so sick of this debate!

What harm will a few sweet girls covering their hair at school do? How is it any irritation or problem for anyone? We are talking hijab, and we are talking at school. The debate is about not allowing these kids to cover up their hair.

Doing a hypothetical her...
Growing up being a Muslim, lets say at 8 years old. Mariam asks her father why she suddenly can not wear hijab at school anymore, this is their way and why is it suddenly wrong? (Well, there are many arguments her about what this symbolizes for women etc. But this is another part of the discussion!)
Well, what can her father say? One possible reaction is a feeling of not being respected for the religion they have. He might express this to his daughter, that he thinks that this western country that - values individuality and speaks about integration - lacks any respect for the way they have been brought up and the religion in which they believe!
Eight years old, respect is still in a part abstract. But it might now represent the value in this girls believes(should she feel shame??), and also - in what she observes - that this country do not respect her parents, her religion or her family. This country which she is born, this country that is a part of where this girl will discover her identity!

Adolescence: What reason does this girl have to respect this country that shows this kind of disrespect for so many aspects of her person? Think for one minute how your period as an adolescence were! AND, now think of the things you might have done or you might have felt being in YOUR OWN country feeling stigmatized (as this rule would come from the state, it is truly stigmatizing!!). Not managing to build up an identity, torn between your religion and motherland and the country where you are born and raised! Why would this girl want to integrate and be a part of the great mass of people voting for politicians that raises and decides this issue??? What happens in this period of this girls life is the foundation of her life! Shouldn't this foundation include respect from her country. I have at least always been thought that you get what you give. Give respect and you get respect!

I don't know! My example is pushing it a bit, but I still think it is not that far fetched (thus, using it as an example!!). There are not many girls at Emily's school wearing a hijab, but the few I know from her school are the sweetest little girls. They look like they come from nice capable families and even manage at school(with this handicap!)... BUT, they do wear a hijab that could really ruin the esthetics's around the school yard *ironic*. Yes, we should have opinions. Topics should be on the agenda, all topics I guess (could mention a certain critics award a year ago or so, but will let this rest!). But turn the coin, find a new topic! And to many people are using their prejudices voices in this debate, pretending it is all about their concerns about women's rights or even claiming it is a problem of identifying perpetrators robbing a place if wearing a burka (come on... can you even pretend to hide racism behind such a claim!!!??) Yes, someone wearing a burka robbed a bank in France, do we see this as a global returning problem?
At least I do not =)

Let every man be respected as an individual and no man idolized.

Albert Einstein (1879 - 1955)

The bad beginning of 2010, and the good continuation

....STOP if you only need bright and happy to fill your day ;)

I will be talking in past tense for this one.

I do know I am bad at sharing right at the time it happens. But things tend to feel much more serious when I say them out loud, and especially if I get sympathy on top.. hehe, that I know I always get!

Starting with yesterday, going backwards complaining about the beginning of 2010.....
Been sick three days in a row.. baaaa. No one to pamper me except from tea and remedies I got from Marianne on Sunday (thanks!). Feeling guilty for sleeping instead of feeding my child, hoping she would go home with a friend after school yesterday (she did!). Well, since I have been sick I didn't get my weekend washing done... And it NEEDED to be done. So, I have washed nothing less then six piled up washing machines (well, one was a carpet) and done lots of studying besides AND made myself a healthy lunch AND a crappy dinner.
I also remember I was supposed to do a 'friendship group' thing at Emily's school, it was supposed to be in February... Why do I always come in last... baaaaa. Well, plan is made. Five kids going to town with yours truly. I do have four days of vacation first, so I will save up the energy =)

Going further I have forgotten how to take care of my dear friends, and I never go to visit anyone anymore =( I have even skipped birthdays (at least I have to remember to call!). Will they all remember me when the sun comes out and I once again plan on blooming!?!
*Slap*

I am done with talking, this is my testament on that.. Why I write =D

Back back...

I think I got my toughest psychological test finding a lump in my breast. This just in the middle of my aunt going through breast cancer. I am not that old, no risk... so normally I shouldn't worry, but I did. My doctor did, and sent me to be checked. Can you believe that you have to wait almost a month to get this checked (a routine check you can get quick, but when you are actually scared you need to wait!)!?! So, I went private... And he didn't get a good enough test of what it was lumping up inside me, so I ended up having to go to the waiting room after all. We went away for a week vacation (that was planed from before), I was less scared as the private doctor gave a few comforting views... but still wanting me to go one more place.

We got all that good attention in Italy (thanks Chiara), and lots of hugs and caring. AND getting to experience all that we did =D (it did take an edge off!)

Coming back from Italy I eventually got a good enough test, and the doctor there gave a good explanation and comforted me that it was only hormones, this to will pass (by it self actually). And it has! The hard part I think was feeling that I shouldn't worry, but still doing so... More then I realised I could (disturbing!). I spent lots of back and forth deciding if to tell my mother (as it has been tough with my aunt, that btw is recovering very good =), well I did tell her after a while. Wanted to talk to friends, find it hard when it is not face to face. And as it turned out there was nothing to worry about =)

By this time almost two months have passed of 2010, and this was supposed to be my Speedy Gonzales year Yaribaaaaaaaa........Studies are with this starting speed going on a handicap, but I am starting to catch up. It still might work out just fine!

Well, it is not nice complaining about my financial zero (so I won't.. well, I just did!). And I should probably not talk about my schizoid tendencies ;) Besides all this I think I am holding on pretty good =)

I know things are turning, that is also why I need to write it all down... A small superstitious: 'get it out and it will stop haunting you'. From now on and out my posts will be happy and bright and my life will be the flower in power (hmm, or something!?!)

And of course (as I notice: I have been thanking my friends in this post, hehe!!), being in love has done wonders inthis periode (so thanks to Egil too ;) hihi

The longer I live the more I see that I am never wrong about anything, and that all the pains I have so humbly taken to verify my notions have only wasted my time.

George Bernard Shaw (1856 - 1950)

My Forrest

Thoughts of today....

I pass people on the street in the subway, well... I pass people all day actually (!!) One of those thoughts comes to mind, the thought of us dark private people up here in the north. You can say what you want, but at least we are honest?!? Well, doesn't a general grumpy face make a general grumpy inside! (??)

This disgusting man on the subway today. He was trying to make conversation, looking all over and "trying out" the woman across from him (this just after stuffing his face with food, topping it off with this nicotine thing (snus) you put under your upper lip, rinsing with his finger and probably getting a few already chewed bits and pieces on the poor ladies pants!). He expresses joy about the subway being quiet, doesn't she agree? Well, she can't just NOT answer him (she most probably is thinking?!). Instead she answers in the most grumpy, rejecting way I have ever heard (even out on the city getting rejected from Mr handsome!!). I have to say, it was kind of fun being an audience (how does people handle theese situations!). The man looks out, would probably have tried with a new approach, but the lady went of at the next stop!

Next, that's me! And I am set out not to be grumpy. But I just can't see myself in a nice conversation with this guy! He start of with asking where I am going, then wondering if I am a nurse (my stop has the same name as a hospital!), what I do, do I come from Oslo... Oh, well... he used to be a psychiatric patient, not anymore - both his therapists are dead, do I know them? The last one died of cancer in the uterus.... He had had two girlfriends, didn't get married though. That's to bad I say... Oh,no! it was a good thing! The first one was crazy and the second had three kids. It was just to much.. He made me laugh. It goes on, and he had so much to tell. I was smiling, people around were smiling (though - trying to keep some distance - not making eye contact!) This man, he had no box of chocolates, but he had a pure simple hart wanting to talk to anyone!

Deliberate I started out with my impression of this man. He disgusted me and I was thinking twice about sitting that close, I noticed people after me doing the same. After sitting with him for that short trip, just nodding (I did have to stop him asking to private questions at some point. Hehe, letting him know I usually didn't give that much info on a subway ride home. He smiled, think he got it ;)), answering some questions, maybe letting him get some of his social need out in the open.

In retrospect; What did it cost me? Why did I only see that what disgusted me about this man? (look away any evolution explanation, not looking for it. But can easily make up one for the sake of argument!)

In this short time I got one of the best trips home from work in a long time, just by acting with, and not being grumpy and rejecting. If it was the man or if it was my decision on the "attitude of the day". I do not know! My best guess is a little bit of this and a little bit of that =)

Sweet old man (63 he said, but never got his name), thanks for a good ride home today =D

For the moral: I think we all should stop and smile once in a while. And if someone puts in a word, why not answer with a smile? The trip home on the subway is seldom long, and people talking in a Norwegian train is probably only once a year anyway!!

The first question I ask myself when something doesn't seem to be beautiful is why do I think it's not beautiful. And very shortly you discover that there is no reason.
John Cage (1912 - 1992)

The last word

We can all be there and see and we can all be there and feel the earth vibrating. The likes and dislikes of any argument, and the argument that slowly grows into a passion that might be mistaken for a fight! Hehe, I like to let my words flow... some Freudian free association on blog, some more:

Something is just wrong... somtimes, the cat talks and I might not. Laughter fills me, how I feel .

void empty biiiip...
Well I got to relaxed! Hehe, google'ing void+bliiip gives my just two results in pictures... both are sketches of men.... Why, wonder???

















One more try (this is something to fill my waiting for Emily time today, hehe)

talking why talking, what? to mum, parents and the black....

Hmm, lack of free mind here... Only empty tired mind available at the moment =/

Lets share the words sent to me by mail, and that my free mind has learned to love by now... just waiting for a slamming moment to be able to use them! My messy shallow blog post of the dayyyyyyy (God, this was a terrible moment of posting, well... from the bottom of my emptyness!)

A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the be ginning of a new argument.

Wondering how life....

..... can be so wonderful and confusing at once?!

Love

Experiences

Vacation

Caring

Worrying

Forgetting

Finalizing

...did I say love?

Focusing

Missing out

Finding my place

Discovering

For it all to fit my blog I would need weeks. What I can say is that I feel wonderfull but I am scared it will all fall like a house of cards. Well, hoping I build upon stronger foundation then that. ...and also putting my trust in someone else (hurts for someone with control issues - not saying I have that...) Trouble is that I am not sure how to juggle it all, but I always do in the end =D So, planning on figuring this one out!

And the wonders I experienced this week... Emily and I have been travelig Italy (planning to get some pictures up) and have been taken so good care of by our dear friend Chiara. Not to mention her wonderfull family... I do not know how to come back to our normal life after this! Pampering, caring and fantastic times with friends. AND a few good walks, hehe.

Well, a good vacation gives lots of energy to get a grip on all that needs to be done back home... I am ready... hehe, come to mama =P

What is important is to keep learning, to enjoy challenge, and to tolerate ambiguity. In the end there are no certain answers.

Martina Horner, President of Radcliffe College

Challenge is a dragon with a gift in its mouth…Tame the dragon and the gift is yours.

Noela Evans

New year, the sequal and some

Being inspired By Medium Geek I go ahead thinking about what to do for a resolution this year. I seldom do resolutions, but I have become a bit worked up reading about all the good stuff people plan on doing... So, here I go. I will try this resolution thing =)

Fooooor 2010 (BTW, how did the discussion on this end: "twenty ten" og "two thousand and ten")

* Finnish my bachelors (well, this is more a goal... hmm.. practise makes perfect, what is the difference anyway??)

* Always find time for excersise, it does make me feel better... Need to remember that!

* Start prepering to be a normal social being again, I will have to do babysteps - first I stick my head out, then maybe a walk around the block, followed by a movie and dinner.

* Make room for more people in my life, with the attention that might require. Me on the giving AND reciving side I hope (a followup on the latter ;)
Hihi, and thanks to my sweet friends that actually stick around this *destracted always twenty minutes late and whirrly strangness* of a human being. And for doing so the last confusing, straning but actually verry happy, four years of my life =D

Hmmm, I feel like going on here. Then it hits me that I should maybe stop at some point =/ Making to many resolutions might just put to much pressure on this out of the box new thing I am trying on for size!

I have had a few new things this last month, might be ok to settle down with those before I move further... Do want to blog about that, daaahhh! Well, it will have to hold.

It became a small post on a bit of everything, but I have twined a few resolutions in. So I think I have managed good *patting myself on the back*.. Hehe, well... should maybe do that AFTER I have actually withheld my promises to myself... Naaah, I have faith =D

For last year's words belong to last year's language
And next year's words await another voice.
And to make an end is to make a beginning.
~T.S. Eliot, "Little Gidding"

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!
(This could have been a new year picture, it is in December anyway ;)

Trying out a post on this side of 2010

Got the urge to write, waiting and anticipating.

Where did the old year go, when did it pass me buy. I am excited about what to do next, I do know that somehow there will be something moving forward. Just can't seem to take control of it myself. Lately feeling I am loosing control more and more, outside events keep making an entry... Making all my plans difficult to execute... Difficult I say, not impossible.

Well, not many thoughts found there way on my blog today. Time likes to screw up things... Not even a quote... But it doesn't seem to matter much. I am happy and life is good. I will keep my nose clean and out of trouble this year.. as always ;)

Be always at war with your vices, at peace with your neighbors, and let each new year find you a better man. ~Benjamin Franklin